misconspicuous

My school holds this pretty cool event that's called The Coffee House and it's basically a night where we all go to this bar and they play music, show videos, read stuff, etc. But it's cool because only the people that are into that stuff go. So the teacher planning it asked me to write something for it.

Here are two things I wrote but I can't decide which one or if I should ask to read both.

• Said project involves picking a theme in the book and every 8 chapters picking a scene to represent that theme in an artistic way (my theme is the craziness of love).
• Write a speech (which is kind of just an essay) about the theme chosen.

• Revise three editorials that are going to be printed in the first issue.....unfortunately the writers have not sent me an e-mail copy of these so I can't do it.
• Start revising second issue editorials.

• Mainly memorize the polyatomic ions.

• Write a reflection on my last speech (which was an instructional speech on how to make a cootie catcher) with 2 things that I can improve and 1 thing I did well.
• Pick a topic for my persuasive speech and research it (I'm thinking pro-life).

• Finish reading Wittgenstein text.
• Finish reading Levi-Strauss text.

So, scary realtors showed up at my house today, isn't that just dandy? Of course I was very tempted to throw something at them but I had a feeling my mom would strangle me. Not exactly the way I want to go. We had to clean everything up. Not only that but my room officially feels like a hotel room. All the magazine cut outs are off and my beige walls are naked for everyone to see.

On a lighter topic I'm listening to songs my brothers burned on my laptop and the current song is the song that Jess is listening to when he meets his dad and they both bobb their heads the same way and they get freaked out and his dad runs away. I'm talking about Gilmore Girls just incase you guys didn't know. I'm so happy though because I have like 865 or other songs on Frida now so along with my books, movies and Gilmore Girls collection I won't get bored any time soon. GO ENTERTAINMENT!

Hmm...what to speak of? what to speak of? Oh! Well as you noticed I changed my picture. Why you may ask. Because I'm inlove with James McAvoy and I sort of wish that he was in my locket with Penn. He probably could since there are two spaces for pictures. I think that's what I'll do. I'm a love-struck teenager. I'm obssessed. Too bad for Anne-Marie Duff. You know what Anne Marie, he shall divorce you and come live with me! hahahaha! Oh man I'm scared she'll probably come beat me up. Not good to ruin the face at this young age. 

You know what book I'm currently reading on advice from my brothers? The Commitments. It's fantabulous! It's mostly dialogue and a bit of explanation here and there which is how I'm currently wiriting right now it was book sent from heaven. Good thing it isn't heavy nor hard. Also it's Irish so they speak incredibly different which I find interesting. My oh my how I love my bros. I haven't fisnished it but i truly reccomend it. 

Man, I hate the math teacher at my school. I need a letter of reccomendation for my new school and he refused to write it or in his words, "I'll think about it". THIS IS YOUR DUTY!!! Man it gets me hyped up. ANGER!!! *spasm* The worst part was he was like, "Do I have to?" No, idiot, I just  thought it'd be a jolly good time if you wrote a letter about how wonderful I am! STUPID STUPID MAN!

Anyway, must go obssess my future husband so Tootles! ("Love boat eyes indeed")

So I recently got a new laptop. I know how sweet is that, pretty cool I know. It's red!!! and I also named it Frida because well what's life without naming inanimate objects? Anyway...when I got it everything was already installed I mean I literally had to do nothing, zip, nada! But life likes to kick me in the you-know-where so I have a laptop but no Internet connection. Wooptidingledoo...

At first I was like "it's okay I can do loads of stuff without the Internet." You know when I used my mom's computer I would you know edit saome photos so I decided to do that except I don't have any photos seeing as it's a new computer! and I sometimes I go on sites to find my pictures...no internet no sites no pictures....So I decide to write and even that the simplest of things needs the Internet. I mean sure I could write whatever comes to mind but sometimes you need to look things up to back up your story so that it makes sense. No internet no facts no proof...that equals: bad story! So I found out how much I, no, how much we depend on the Internet. Too Damn Much!

Anyway....I'm all good to go since my mom's friend came and fixed it all. I would go into the details of it but I don't understand half of it myself. But moving on moving on....they officially have the pictures of the Cullnen Family and let me tell you some of it is actually not bad....though Rosalie kind of freaks me out but Alice is perfect!  Oh and I watched becoming Jane with my friend gabby it was sooooo sad. I mean I cry in every stinking movie but in this one I actually sobbed!!!! It's so sad though I now have a thing for James McAvoy...I wuv him....

Hmmm...let me tell you about my day...well I didn' have a shower until 4:00...no comment. I was reading Abarat. It's a freakin' amazing book. Anybody who has good sense in books absoliutley has  to read Abarat. I'd explain what it's about but it's seriosuly so complicated that it would just make it sound bad...READ IT!!! Anyway about my day, then I tried the Internet because duh! I just had to I was like a kid on chirstams day just on and on and on with my new toy. Then my mom my brother and me went to see Be Kind Rewind. It was freakin`hilarious!!!!  GO WATCH IT!!! Oh and by the way I beat my personal record for eating. I ate six pieces of pizza on firday! That`s right six!

Moving on I have a cool story idea but I`m not sure about it. I tend to write about what I wished I had and that`s okay but then the main character is always sort of based on me and I don`t like that. Maybe if I put in  the perspective of the other main charatcer it wouldn`t be so bad but stil... well it can`t be that bad if the Austen and the Bronte sisters did it. Though they always had different characters and their stories were written magnificently and are now considered works of art....I suck at this.....

Everyday I think up something new a new idea but I just don`t know how to make it stick how to not make it boring.... HELP


 

I recently found an old rusted locket I had when I was five or four. Well recently isn't exactly that recent maybe a few months ago. I was looking through an old jewelery box when I found my locket. Somehow finding it made me feel whole and free once again. Memories filled my head and I wished with all my might that I could go back to those simpler times.

I've done things I've regretted, and these things have somehow shaped who I am now. But I've recovered. I like to think that even when you make a mistake in life, when you fall, it's about how quickly and how gracefully you get back up. So I got up and I kept walking and I watched my step. As a result I've lived a very guarded life. Not entirely my fault. 

I'm afraid of pain. Any type of pain. I was scared silly when I got my ear piercings and I close my eyes whenever I get a niddle. But there's another type of pain I'm extremely terrified of. A pain that I've expirienced many times, and no matter how many times it repeats itself I still find myself falling and not getting back up. I'm afraid of the pain I feel when I'm dissapointed. The way your heart breaks slowly and thoroughly so that once it's done you feel empty and insignificant.  I hate feeling like everything is going as planned, like everything is finally going my way and then feel my breath escape my lungs as if I'd been punched. It's happpened too many times.

At first when this happened I would get up almost immeadiatly but I would simply run away afterwards. And then I would regret whatever I did after. I wouldn't be myself. So when I put on the locket and it lay there on my chest, close to my heart, it reminded me of who I was, who I am and who I want to be. It's a constant reminder of who I truly am. The nerdy-prude-optimistic-perky-silly-intellingent-over-acheiving girl I have been since I can remember. The polished perfect version of the broken person I am now.  No flaws exists in the gold inside of my locket.

The outside is old and tarnished, but the inside shines like the burning sun. The me who I have always wanted to be lives in there. The one that doesn't stress but still carries responsabilities. The one that surely makes mistakes but recovers when she's ready. I wear this locket everyday so I won't be derailed and do something that I'll truly regret. Something to keep me moving forward through the right paths.

But I also wear it for protection, because the world is a dark place. With infinite amount of pain. I've been hurt too many times. That's the only thing you can truly count on when every four years you have to start over. The only thing you can expect is the pain.

In all this misery I've gone through the only light at the end of the tunnel I saw was love. I grew up thinking that I would fall in love with my knight in shinning armour. That even if the whole world was falling apart because of dreadful things, if you had love, nothing else would matter. I was naive. The thing that can hurt you the most can be the infatuation with love. I've never been in love so I don't know that if you have it nothing else matters. But I've prayed for love and I need love but never gotten it. And that's what hurts the most. 

I've liked many guys and I always feel that I'm doing great. That I'm sending them the right message and they probably like me too. So I get hopeful, and that's the worst you can do. Hope. What always happens to me is that I start imagining our relationship together and I see myself falling in love. So it hurts so fucking much when they let you down. When you find out that they like you yes, but as nothing more than a friend. 

It's not like you were in love with them. It's the fact that you loved the idea of loving and being loved in return. It hurts too much, and it's happened to me too many times. So I've learned from my mistakes. I've gotten back up as graceful as I can. I dare not hope. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

Sadly I can't help hope. Because now I really really like this guy and he doesn't seem to find me repulsive so sadly I'm....hopeful. I try to think that he doesn't like me. That way when I find out he's not interested it will hurt less, because I never expected anything. But my friend Gabby keeps pointing out things that scream attraction and I can't help thinking that maybe...I can't help hoping.

So I'm hopeful. But I'm also simply waiting because nothing good has come of hoping. So here I wait for the pain. The sooner it comes the sooner it will start eating my heart out and the sooner I can simply recover. The sooner I can laugh it off and get back up. Because I'll never get my happy ending, or it doesn't seem like it anyway. So I wait patiently for the pain to come.
 

Well today was an interesting day...I'm just saying that because I'm so extremely bored. Good thing is it actually snowed today! AND IT'S STILL SNOWING!!!! I find that very pleasing. It's dark outside though so I can't really go play in the snow and I have those freakin' EMU boots that let water soake through. Why did I give into fashion trends?!?!? 
Moving on, I was reading my Seventeen magazine today since it arrived...today. I somehow find it very cheerful receiving a magazine or mail in general. Anywho, I skimmed through it and there was some interesting stuff and everything...blah blah blah. Then I get to the health page and you know girls around the world ask all these sex questions so I'm a curious specimen and so I read them. They we're pretty straight forward the "theme" was "Things that turn you on" why not just call it "Orgasms". But actually there's a distinct difference between the two, a girl actually asked. I was like, "You can't be serious! Don't you pay attention in health class??!!" Okay, but that's not the point of my story. This one girl was like, "I've heard that masturbating is okay and that it can be very pleasurable but when I try it I don't feel very good. What am I doing wrong?" Worst part is...well there's two bad parts. First: She left her name. Second: They actually responded.
What else is there to tell. Well....my brother isn't going to celebrate xmas with us this year. Yeah, that's right, he rather go ski in freakin' Montreal than be with his litle sister! That's right Diego I think you should stay! Apparently his friend invited him to spend xmas with his family. I know...WTF! I know xmas has turned into a very commercial holiday and everything but somehow the point of the holiday is still there, like BEING WITH FAMILY!!! And I know you're probably thinking "It's actually family and friends" to that I say....Screw you! So yeah I'm not going to lie I'm upset. I haven't really talked to him about it so I'm pulling the We're-moving-and-I-won't-see-you-for-very-long-periods-of-time-and-I'll-miss-you-and-you're-leaving-your little-sister-on-xmas-the-best-time-of-the-year card when I speak to him. Worst part is, my best friend who's a guy is the brother of my brother's best friend who invited him to ski. So basically I'm pissed. Life sucks! I love snow! Sorry i just thought I'd add that in.
Gabby if you're reading this, which hopefully you are since I'll forget to tell you unless you bring it up, I can't find the secojnd half of the chapter you wrote. 
What else? What else? My friend Sally was reading the Audio Book for Harry Potter and The Half Blood Prince...yes she's that cool. You know what makes it better though? You know the guy that does all the special features on the DVDs? Well that's him! In the audio books! I listened to part of it it was hilarious because he tried to put emotion in his voice but it sounded so fake. Awww. 
I'm also vrey excited for a few books that are coming out. The Sweet Far Thing By Libba Bray is coming it out in December and then this other book by Melissa De La Cruz is coming out but I don't know when some time in 2008 *sigh*. And well I'm pretty pissed about something too. For Twilight fans out there if you haven't already heard Kristen Stewart was casted as Bella Swan in the movie. I know you're all going "WTF!?!? NO!!!! YOU LIE, MARGARITA! THOU SHALL NOT LIE!!" well it's true go to her website there's a big fat ugly picture of Kriten Stewart looking more anorexic than thought possible, staring at you in the face and laughing in the Nelson laugh " HA HA!" 
I hate her with a passion or as Gabby would say, "A fire burning passion". Bella's supposed to be sweet and inncocent and childish in a way yet still delicate and pretty. No such thing with Kristen Stewart. the message she sends accross is "I'm too sexy for my shirt so deal with it. P.S I'm an ugly skank" Not exactly Bella. So I'm concerned if they did such a poor job with Bella, imagine Edward. They'll probably choose Zac Efron (EWWW).
Anyway... I have to depart. My dog is demanding food and I can't neglect her any longer. Ciao!